Marriage can be tough, that’s why it’s important to have a good sense of humor in the good times and the bad. Here’s a collection of hilarious tweets that perfectly sum up marriage in 140 characters or less!
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
My wife wanted a xmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah that's overkill, so we compromised & there's a xmas tree in every room
— Toph of TheYoungOGs (@TophWhite) November 26, 2016
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It's not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
me: want me to make dinner
wife: nah it's ok honey, I know you're still tired from doing it back in 2003
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 24, 2016